Surrender

I really don't like how our culture is so obsessed with this thing called a 'due date'. "When are you due?" We ask one another. We want to know everything, not knowing is just too hard. Last night, upon entering Nordstroms to get a nursing bra, I stopped to try on some reduced price headbands and heard the salesclerk say, "Wow any minute now, huh? I saw your belly before I saw you!"

"I was due two days ago! I guess the baby's running late." I responded.

"No, the baby won't be late. The baby will be right on time. It'll come exactly when it's ready."

"I like that!" I said.

Her name is Keylolo, but probably spelled different than that, and she went on to say how one of her friends has had her 6 babies at home and just pops 'em right out with no problems. Surprised to hear this, I told her how I'm actually having a homebirth, too. We agreed that our culture is quite freaked out by this, but as she said, "How do they think our ancestors delivered babies?! It was probably in the woods!" Kindred spirits much?

Yesterday, my friend, Emma, told me that she came out quite "late", around 3 weeks past her "due date". Her mother just knew she was fine and would come when she was ready, so she didn't worry herself crazy about it. This hardly ever happens in our culture because our obgyns don't "let us" (we think we have no choice in the matter) go past 2 weeks overdue before they induce us artificially for fear that the placenta will stop working. From what I've heard, the likelihood of this happening is very rare, but it's a chance our doctors really don't want to take. But what about what we want as mothers? While they're more afraid of a lawsuit, they make us afraid for our babies' lives. We all want to control our lives and the lives of our children. But really! Who are we to be in control of everything?

To be in control or to surrender. That is the question. Which is best?

Well... in order to get pregnant in the first place, one must have sex. In order to have sex, can one be in control, or does one have to surrender? Now I'm not referring to any kind of dominatrix/submissive sex roles here. Maybe we should call it something different. How about instinctual vs. logical. When monkeys have sex, it's pretty instinctual I'd say, I don't think there's any logic to it whatsoever. Well, as for me, when logic comes into the bed with my husband and I, we end up in a fight. My logic, or desire to be in control, will physically cause me to tense up... until I finally surrender, or get instinctual... or LET GO. Why? It's the law, Sphincter Law. For more on Sphincter Law read my birth bible, Ina May's Guide to Childbirth.

Throughout this pregnancy, I've had to constantly surrender to what my body is doing--growing a human.  There have been plenty of worries that have tried to creep their way into my mind concerning miscarriage, sufficient weight gain, nutrition, preterm labor, you name it... but I've had to choose to not listen to them. And time and time again, my body shows me it knows what it's doing. 

Yes, that's right. My body knows what it's doing! I ought to listen closely. 

So, in order to give birth, shouldn't I follow suit and continue to surrender? Or should I try to be in control and treat the process logically, fighting my instincts that tell me what to do? The reason I'm choosing to have a homebirth is because I want to be free to do exactly what my body tells me to do. And even with a midwife there, ultimately it won't be her calling the shots unless I ask for her help. I will be the one delivering my baby, this is how she wants it because she knows it's best. Is this the same thing as wanting to be in control? It is a form of control, but more like letting our instincts have the control rather than our minds. A mother's instincts might not make much "sense" to a nurse or doctor when the data from the monitor screen is conflicting. I wonder how well a monkey would give birth in a hospital setting where the nurses and doctors don't let it act like a monkey, but want it be civilized like the rest of us. Hm... I can't really picture a successful, completely natural childbirth with a "civilized" mother. If acting civilized were a requirement, I think some medical interventions would be necessary. When it comes down to it, I really don't think we're much different than monkeys when we let our instincts guide us.

In fact, if a monkey could speak, I wonder how well it would answer the 5 basic questions people ask pregnant women today. Let's play pretend...

The 5 Basic Pregnancy Questions: An interview with a monkey...

1. "When are you due?"

Answer: "I don't know. When it's done cooking and my body starts to smoke."

2. "Do you know what you're having? Boy or girl?"

Answer: "I don't know, other than it being a monkey."

3. "Do you have names picked out yet?

Answer: "No. How can I name someone I've never seen before?"

4. "Do you have the monkey's nursery all set up yet?"

Answer: "No. Why would I put the baby monkey in a separate area than myself until it's not a baby?"

5. "How are you feeling?"

Answer: "Rather confused with all your questions. Why do you need to know all of this?"

See a trend here? Ah civilization.