Rhiannon's mother

I am Rhiannon's mother, and I'm so tired of adulthood. I think I'm having a mid-first-year-as-a-mother crisis. I find myself so jealous of others for their freedom, freedom to go out whenever they want, and stay out, and travel far and wide. I find myself saying things like, "you'll see" or " I used to...". I look back on my years as a college student so fondly, even though I couldn't wait to get out at the time. What I would give to do that whole thing over again, as the person I am today! I would do things so differently if I were to go to college now, socially, academically, creatively. But I can't turn back the clock, and that is sometimes kinda hard for me to accept.

Don't get me wrong, my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me for so many reasons. And aside from me, she's beginning her life and I am so privileged to have helped. I mean, this just isn't about me anymore, it's totally about her. She's my little baby goddess. :)

And yet, my life is far from over. I'm just living mainly for her now, which is in itself, extremely enlightening. Everyone says this time with a baby passes by in an instant. Still, to be here, now, and not dream, is hard. It's like asking me to stop being me, to forget my dreams.

Growing up, I'd look down on housewives/homemakers/soccer-moms because I thought they were giving up their aspirations and giving in to societal expectations. See, I considered myself a feminist as a preteen. I even subscribed to New Moon Magazine which was basically like a Ms. magazine for young girls. It highlighted the works and accomplishments of girls like me. Then in college, I worked for a full-time mom as a babysitter, and began to see things differently. She is a feminist, and a mother. And I once asked her, "if you're a feminist, why did you decide to be a stay-at-home mom?" Her answer, "Because we fought for the choice to work, and my choice is to stay home with my kids because I'm lucky enough to not have to work." She said she wanted to be there for children in a way that she didn't feel like she could if she worked full time.

How do I feel now? I feel very differently than I used to, I feel like she does. Yet, I also still want to pursue my music, not when Rhiannon's grown up, but now. If I had "waited" until I had accomplished more and I was "ready" to settle down and be a mother, maybe I'd feel differently, but things don't always work that way! And as hard it can be to accept reality, I'm glad things worked out this way... because I wouldn't have wanted to live my life and then watch her live hers. Why can't we live our lives together, pursue dreams together? I want Rhiannon to live through my life, not just hear about it in stories and pictures.

In our culture, youth is everything, especially as a female. Looking young, in particular, is far too important. To be young at heart is what's most important to me, I fear my heart growing old. I don't want to ever be too old or too tired to enjoy the little things in life, or to take big risks. And this might sound like a bad excuse, but if I stay in New Jersey for too long, I am going to grow old fast. Actually, not just New Jersey, but the United States. I am far too curious an individual to settle here, even though there are so many reasons not to leave.

I am still the same girl who returned from a trip to Ireland, and made plans to transfer schools to one in Dublin, (which obviously fell through). And I'm the same girl who would stand up in front of hundreds of people and act and sing my heart out, who would walk slow in the rain to try and get wet, who lived out of her car on a month-long roadtrip. I've been incredibly privileged to travel to England, Japan, Holland, Denmark, Germany, Belgium, Ireland, Dominican Republic, and Bolivia. But I don't want to continue the trend of just visiting other countries, I want to live in another country. But I don't really know what will lead me there when the day comes aside from sheer curiosity and desire.

Rhiannon's mother is not a soccer-mom. Although she'll gladly drive her to soccer practice. Rhiannon's mother has her own passions, her own dreams. And someday, Rhiannon is gonna thank me for not giving them up.