Unsanitized Woman

The mermaid is not a sanitized woman. She is unkempt, unruly, uncivilized. And that is exactly why I like her. She is wild, strong and daring; painted with salt, wreathed in seaweed. As playful and determined as a fish, and full of mystery and power like a woman.

When my childhood was almost over at the age of 12, I met a girl named Mariel who was like a mermaid. Come to think of it, her name suits her- Mar means sea in spanish. She was magical to me. My dad and I spent two weeks with his friend and her daughter, Mariel, in their home of New Hampshire. And in those two weeks, I made a best friend. What did we do that made me consider her my best friend? We played. We played in the water, in the woods, in the sand and the grass. We played with each other's hair and compared hairy legs. We built, we created. And, funny enough, her favorite snack was dried seaweed. Boys liked her because she was beautiful, and she hated that. Girls didn't understand her because she didn't play their games. The games we played were games I didn't play very often with my friends at home. They came straight from our imaginations, and they lasted hours. We never tried to compete with one another, we loved one another. When I got home, I told everyone who my best friend was. She didn't become my best friend in much time, we didn't really know each other all that well, factually. She was my best friend just because she was my favorite. And we did know each other, we knew how to play together.

My role model is not grinning girl of grace, or sophisticated or sassy, but a childlike creature of the sea. She sings haunting melodies, lullabies. Like mother earth, she surrounds you with her sound. Like mother, a lighthouse. Like child, a dancer. A mermaid is not a man. There might be talk of mermen, but they are not what people stare at the sea for- people stare for the maids. For some reason, the maids are the ones who dance in the terrible waters. The maids are the ones who save the drowning men.

The mermaid, she brings me to my core. And even without fins, I can dive deep and fly fast. At my core, I am unsanitized and uncomplicated and free.

Rhiannon's mother

I am Rhiannon's mother, and I'm so tired of adulthood. I think I'm having a mid-first-year-as-a-mother crisis. I find myself so jealous of others for their freedom, freedom to go out whenever they want, and stay out, and travel far and wide. I find myself saying things like, "you'll see" or " I used to...". I look back on my years as a college student so fondly, even though I couldn't wait to get out at the time. What I would give to do that whole thing over again, as the person I am today! I would do things so differently if I were to go to college now, socially, academically, creatively. But I can't turn back the clock, and that is sometimes kinda hard for me to accept.

Don't get me wrong, my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me for so many reasons. And aside from me, she's beginning her life and I am so privileged to have helped. I mean, this just isn't about me anymore, it's totally about her. She's my little baby goddess. :)

And yet, my life is far from over. I'm just living mainly for her now, which is in itself, extremely enlightening. Everyone says this time with a baby passes by in an instant. Still, to be here, now, and not dream, is hard. It's like asking me to stop being me, to forget my dreams.

Growing up, I'd look down on housewives/homemakers/soccer-moms because I thought they were giving up their aspirations and giving in to societal expectations. See, I considered myself a feminist as a preteen. I even subscribed to New Moon Magazine which was basically like a Ms. magazine for young girls. It highlighted the works and accomplishments of girls like me. Then in college, I worked for a full-time mom as a babysitter, and began to see things differently. She is a feminist, and a mother. And I once asked her, "if you're a feminist, why did you decide to be a stay-at-home mom?" Her answer, "Because we fought for the choice to work, and my choice is to stay home with my kids because I'm lucky enough to not have to work." She said she wanted to be there for children in a way that she didn't feel like she could if she worked full time.

How do I feel now? I feel very differently than I used to, I feel like she does. Yet, I also still want to pursue my music, not when Rhiannon's grown up, but now. If I had "waited" until I had accomplished more and I was "ready" to settle down and be a mother, maybe I'd feel differently, but things don't always work that way! And as hard it can be to accept reality, I'm glad things worked out this way... because I wouldn't have wanted to live my life and then watch her live hers. Why can't we live our lives together, pursue dreams together? I want Rhiannon to live through my life, not just hear about it in stories and pictures.

In our culture, youth is everything, especially as a female. Looking young, in particular, is far too important. To be young at heart is what's most important to me, I fear my heart growing old. I don't want to ever be too old or too tired to enjoy the little things in life, or to take big risks. And this might sound like a bad excuse, but if I stay in New Jersey for too long, I am going to grow old fast. Actually, not just New Jersey, but the United States. I am far too curious an individual to settle here, even though there are so many reasons not to leave.

I am still the same girl who returned from a trip to Ireland, and made plans to transfer schools to one in Dublin, (which obviously fell through). And I'm the same girl who would stand up in front of hundreds of people and act and sing my heart out, who would walk slow in the rain to try and get wet, who lived out of her car on a month-long roadtrip. I've been incredibly privileged to travel to England, Japan, Holland, Denmark, Germany, Belgium, Ireland, Dominican Republic, and Bolivia. But I don't want to continue the trend of just visiting other countries, I want to live in another country. But I don't really know what will lead me there when the day comes aside from sheer curiosity and desire.

Rhiannon's mother is not a soccer-mom. Although she'll gladly drive her to soccer practice. Rhiannon's mother has her own passions, her own dreams. And someday, Rhiannon is gonna thank me for not giving them up.

Spectrum

Where are the fearless
who parade unmasked?
The poets who inspire us all
were once scoffed at, spit upon
Here I quote and sip my tea
of tranquility

Where have my own words gone?

Retired at twenty-six
Packed my costumes
For a colorless uniform
I bleach my worn out laundry
I vaccuum my dusty freedom

I watch in awe and mourning
a child color
a child's play

And yet, why should I wear gray?

Dazzle me brilliant spectrum
colors too radiant to sit still
come dance upon my heart
in irreverent majesty

Rhiannon rings

The song Rhiannon, by Fleetwood Mac, is an awesome song that I've admired since I discovered it a few years ago. My daughter, Rhiannon, was not named after the Fleetwood Mac song. But I named my baby girl Rhiannon because it suits her. The name means goddess, great queen, horse-tamer, and if you met her, you'd see how strong and mighty she is. She came out roaring, and yes babies do cry when they come out, but her cry was fierce. As I watch this little person grow and develop, she shows me how big her personality is. I never knew that my baby would not just be mine, but all her own. All hail queen Rhiannon!

"Rhiannon" by Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac

Rhiannon rings like a bell through the night
And wouldn't you love to love her
Takes to the sky like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover

All your life you've never seen a woman
Taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven
Will you ever win

She is like a cat in the dark
And then she is the darkness
She rules her life like a fine skylark
And when the sky is starless

All your life you've never seen a woman
Taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven
Will you ever win
Will you ever win

Rhiannon
Rhiannon
Rhiannon
Rhiannon

She rings like a bell through the night
And wouldn't you love to love her
She rules her life like a bird in flight
And who will be her lover

All your life you've never seen a woman
Taken by the wind
Would you stay if she promised you heaven
Will you ever win
Will you ever win

Dreams unwind
Love's a state of mind
Dreams unwind
Love's a state of mind

Farewell Balou

This evening, my little family of three arrived home after an unexpected overnighter at my in-law's, which was fabulous (more on that later) and I was faced with guilt from my neglect of my two other babies, Roxie and Balou, the rats. Ok, I'll give you some time to get over the fact that I have pet rats, and consider them my babies. I'm an animal lover, what can I say? I found my sickly rat, Balou, much sicker than I left her, so weak and barely able to walk around due to the weight of her tumor. Her eyes were bloody which I knew was inevitable because of her long-suffered respiratory illness, very common in rats. I have tried to take care of her as best I could, I even gave her a homeopathic remedy for her illness. But I never resorted to taking her to the vet or giving her antibiotics. I just couldn't bring myself to spend that much money on her even though I loved her. Months ago, I would've been in tears over this, but I've grown apart from my rats since the baby came, a good thing I think. One is better off not getting too attached to animals that only live 2 or 3 years.

Anyway, I didn't want to even touch her because I was scared of how sick she looked, I haven't touched her in a while. But the poor thing was trying to get out of her cage and could hardly walk. So I took her in my arms and had one last cuddle, she deserved that much. Then Jamie and I discussed what to do, and decided to put her out of her misery. He said he would do it. I asked him how he could do such a thing. He said people are different, and he is the kind of person who can handle that sort of thing. My biggest worry was that he would cause her pain, however he did it. I asked him to make sure that he did it in a painless way. He said he would.

We lit a candle, and read a scripture verse, I forget which one, and both told Balou how much she meant to us and that we were sorry. We also explained to Roxie what we were doing. This helped me feel okay about it all. Then Jamie took her in her little hammock and put that inside a hat, and went outside and did the deed. I have no idea how he did it because he refused to tell me because he didn't want me to get more upset. I'm glad I don't know. But he said that she felt no pain and it was an instant death.

Then I cleaned the cage really really well, and made it all nice for Roxie. We're going to take good care of her because she deserves it, she's got a lot of life left in her, thank God. We were considering giving her to a friend to care for, but I feel better keeping her and trying harder to take better care of her than I have lately. I hope she doesn't get too sad or sick from missing her buddy Balou, after all, they've always had each other. I just have to give her lots of attention now, hopefully that will happen.

Balou was a blue dumbo fancy rat, meaning, her ears were of the dumbo kind and her coat was blue. She was a sweet little rat who I enjoyed cuddling with and watching waddle around. She was always a little fatty and rather slow and cautious. She was very territorial and would sometimes nip at me, but I forgive her for that. Rest in peace, Balou. Thank you for sharing your life with me, I will remember you always.

Life

I watched 3 episodes of My So-Called Life today... we own the dvd collection... with my baby on my lap, diaperless. She has a bad diaper rash, and they say to let them go diaperless and keep the area clean to treat it. Of course, there's pee on the couch now and a pile of cloth diapers that were used to collect the poo and pee from under her. I am naked because... I'm not sure quite how I ended up naked today, perhaps it's because I'm a cow, and oh yeah pee got on my pj pants. By the way, I love every minute of my life right now. Every time I look at her my heart melts, I'm still in shock.. and oh so in love. 

Our place is a complete mess, again... even though my sister-in-law came and cleaned last week. But what should I expect, I am so not able to do anything other than care for and adore and soothe and feed and all of the above my almost 6-week-old baby girl. Thank God my wonderful husband is now with her so I can actually take a bath today. He drew me a bath! Yay! 

And yet I hear her in the other room right now, her little whimpers and coos (yes she's finally starting cooing!), and I want to drop my needs yet again and stroke her little face and hold her in the way I know she likes to be held. But if I don't care for myself, I simply cannot care for her. 

It has been the craziest past almost 6 weeks of my life. This is my first time actually writing about it because, where do I find the time? It's been a time of adjustment and trial and error and error and trial... a time of complete and utter brokenness and incredible joy. I am so thrilled to be a mom. And scared of course. The responsibility is huge! 

A woman has absolutely no idea what motherhood really truly is until she experiences it for herself. She'll never see her own mother or any other mother the same again. There is this unspoken bond that is unlike any other that I now have with every other mother. And my girl will not understand until she, if she becomes a mother. But it's something I hope she understands someday, the beauty of being not only a woman, but a woman who gives life. 

Well my boob is heavy and I need to empty it now, I mean feed Rhiannon. :) And maybe then I'll get to my bath, I hope! 

Ciao! 

Rhiannon Rua

At 9:30 pm

the wind started to blow

the clouds covered the sky

and I began my cries

Wave after wave came crashing

starting slow

only to grow

in passion

That passion began to swell within me

Flooding the doorway

of life

In holy breaking bodily

we roared

Sunrise

together born

Our baby girl, born 8/22/08 has been given a name! After spending an ecstatic and exhausting first week with her, we are able to get a sense of who she is. 

Rhiannon Rua Busch-Monahan - her first and middle names are pronounced ree-ANN-on / roo

Rhiannon is Celtic/Welsh related to the name Ryan. It means great queen, goddess, and also horse-tamer. She is a strong and passionate baby and we feel that she deserves a royal name. 

Rua means red in the Irish language. When I, Kieran, visited distant relatives in Ireland, I discovered that the Ryan clan whom I am related to were known as the "Ryan Rua". Because Ryan is such a common name, they would tag a nickname onto the end of each family's last name to distinguish them apart from the rest. This confirms that red hair is obviously a part of the family heritage. 

We are hyphenating our last names to combine them. This is similar to the Spanish tradition of the father's surname followed by the mother's surname. We want both of our surnames to be honored since they each are beautiful and full of rich heritage. 

Thank you for celebrating our wonderful daughter with us! 

James Arthur Busch

Kieran Ryan Monahan
and 

Rhiannon Rua Busch-Monahan